Da Blues and Blogger Guilt

Meh. Pft. Whatever. My mood has been pretty low of late, I keep thinking "I must blog!" but my depressed mind says "Who cares? Nobody, that's who, nobody wants to hear your blah blah blah". And so I sit and stew and toss and turn at night and write blogs in my brain that never hit the keyboard. I really do have lots to say and not all of it negative (though admittedly a good majority of my "brain posts" are on the downer side of the blog scale of happiness).

I had a lot of adventures this year, some of them really fantastic, out of this world even! The whale shark experience of 2010 was phenomenal, I loved my day at Xplor and the unique day in Cozumel scuba diving with dolphins. I did the "Day of the Dead Festival" at Xcaret, snorkeled many cenotes and Xel Ha, climbed Coba, camped on the beach, discovered "El Meco" and Sian Kaan, watched a mama turtle lay eggs and later watched a different nest of turtles hatching. But I have found that over the last few months I have been pretty house-bound, not interested in picking up the camera or doing much of anything. I put on a happy face for Max, manage to play with him and keep his spirits up, but at the end of the day I am just a big giant pile of "meh".

I'd love to happily scream "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" to you all, but it would probably come across as pretty darned fake. It's not that I wish anyone an Unmerry Christmas or a Crappy New Year, but I am just not in the holiday spirit. I miss my family. A lot. My parents are on a cruise so I haven't spoken to them, my brother is on a different schedule and time zone so no phone call with him either. We had a nice Xmas dinner with some friends, low key but lovely, but I still wanted to be with family.

Max and I investigated going to Canada for these weeks, but we just couldn't afford the tickets. Perhaps that is why I am so blue, got myself excited about a visit to Canada only to let myself down. My last trip back was more than six years ago. I was pregnant with Max, he's never been to the land of blizzards and black ice. While I have not vocalized my depression or how much I am missing the family, Max HAS, crawling into my lap with tears in his eyes saying he misses his grandma and grandpa and his uncles and cousins etc.. It is not easy living in Cancun with no family around. Good friends are few and far between, at least ones you can trust and be yourself with, those kind of friends I can count on one hand.

And thus, I hibernate and hide, not wanting to be the "bummer" in the group, not wanting to be the whiner or the party pooper, I just keep my mouth shut and keep it all to myself. I put on the smily face that I have so much practice using, my old shrinks used to call it my "Little Mary Sunshine" face, the one that convinces everyone that my life is freaking fantabulous and that I am a ray of light in the world. I desperately try to look on the bright side of life (yes, there always is one), keep moving forward and enjoy all that Max brings me everyday. I honestly don't know where I would be without him, he keeps my head above water (unless we're snorkeling, haha), makes me feel like there is at least one thing in my life that I have done right. Yeah, he makes me crazy too, but gawd he's a spot of joy.

So, there you have it, my happy holiday post (snicker). Don't mean to bring you down and I'm not looking for sympathy or advice or anything, really just trying to get a blog post done so the night-time niggling of guilt in my stomach eases up while still being honest. I'll try to come up with some lovely, light-filled Happy Happy things to say soon, I promise. Maybe it's time to dust off the camera and just go play outside and start snapping. Too darned cold to go to the beach but if we bundle up a walk in the park might not be so bad. Saludos a todos, hopefully I won't be gone so long next time.

Comments

KfromMichigan said…
If only I were there, we could talk for hours! I'm sorry you feel so alone.
If one of your blog readers has an over abundance of air miles stacked up they could get you & Max a free trip to Windsor!
For now .. Pick yourself up grab the camera and get some beach pictures. (or park pictures)
Brenda said…
Ok so where is the rule that all blog posts have to be happy ones? Guess I missed that rule somewhere lol.
I have missed you blogging and hope that you blog more often happy or sad.
Keep on keeping on, we are out here in cyberspace thinking of you.
Jonna said…
Life is not all cherries, there are always the pits. I wonder if the cold isn't both making you depressed and not wanting to go outside but also perhaps reminding you of Canada where at least you had heaters and warm clothes? Cold in the tropics is a real downer.

It's good to see you posting and as Brenda said, we are out here in cyberspace thinking of you.
Life's a Beach! said…
This blog post sounds familiar because those same thoughts run through my mind. I write the negative rants and don't post them. I've been battling the blues the past six months since I cycled off my medication. I started taking a natural supplement, Sam-E, on a whim when I noticed it at Sam's a few months ago. I really think it's helping, or maybe it's just snake oil and it's all in my mind. Post when you feel like it because it's cheap therapy! The holidays can be really depressing, even for people who don't struggle with it. Hopefully, you'll connect with family soon!
Heather said…
You need some vitamin D girl! And yes a trip home, hopefully that can happen in 2011.
-h
St. Dickeybird said…
*hug*
We were hoping you could make it up here too.

Still, keep in mind: with the windchill it's -20 right now. It's not 'fun' here - it's too cold to go toboganning, it's a mad dash to the door before your dental work freezes. Remember grey, drab, frozen Toronto that you left for sunnier climbes? The grass isn't greener. Especially when it's under 3' of snow.
I understand getting homesick and missing your family. But you're still on the up-side of the equation at the moment. Go to the beach, make sand-people, call them mom & dad, hug them until they squish, then go for a swim.
Hopefully you can make it up at some point this year.
Gary Denness said…
Chin up! Could be worse. Always look on the bright side of life, and all that.

Well I hope your Xmas wasn't too bad, and failing that I hope 2011 is better!

And just remember the turtles....how can turtles not bring a smile to your face?!?!
Gary Denness said…
Just delete this one!
Steve Cotton said…
No advice. Just a reminder that you are one of the reasons we can all look forward to a new year filled with purpose. You and Max are on my prayer list.
You ARE my ray of sunshine! Uh, oh!
On Mexican Time said…
Happy New Year amiga - if you ever feel like going for a coffee, wine, beer, etc... Let me know! I can basically count all of my real friends here on less than a hand!

I'm in Canada until Thursday, and am already sad to know that I'm leaving. I miss my family so much when I'm gone, but heck, at least I am able to be here now. I hope you get a trip up North soon... :) 6 years is a loooong time, and I can't even imagine....
BlueSky said…
I agree with Brenda, not all blogs have to be happy ones. I too have been feeling depressed this year. It comes and go with me but these last 6 months have been far worse than I have ever experienced. I was with family (whom I love) but was still depressed this Christmas. At least you have your little one to lift you up. The only advice I could give you is to take it one day at a time and try and plan a trip North. Try to put away something each month for this, I think this would be worth the sacrifice and give you something to look forward too. Six years is a long time, hang in there...
Thomas said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
CancunCanuck said…
Thank you all, your comments mean a lot to me, you're all friends and friends keep me going. It's a new year, hopefully it will bring some wonderful new things and some light into my life. I took the last couple of days off work to get out and do things with Max, if I focus on keeping him happy, it helps me too. The weather is lovely today and I am itching to get outside, the sun should do me good. Hugs to you all and a very happy 2011!
the kirks said…
You can take the girl out of Canada but you can't take the Canada out of the girl. It's perfectly normal to get the winter blues, except usually it's the other way around. Usually us Canadians are are dying to go somewhere south instead you are dying to be up here in the North. See....your still Canadian. Just a little bit different:)
Jana said…
I don't know you but whenever the winter weather gets me down I go check out what is happening on your sunny blog in Cancun. I love you words even you ho hum holiday entry. My son, 6, loves Alexanders Terrible Horrible very Bad No Good Day in which the boy says, I'm moving to Australia....last week I invoked the "I'm moving to Australia" with my kids. My son said, "mom, being in Australia doesn't change anything. You're still stuck with yourself." They always keep us on track don't they. Keep writing, it makes a sunny day somewhere in the middle of cold America!

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