Fear of "Home"

I've lived in Mexico for four years now and have only been back to Canada once. There is not much that I miss, mostly FOOD, friends and family, good beer and customer service. Oh, and a government that is not corrupt and a police force that doesn't work for the drug cartels. People find it strange that I haven't returned to Canada. Actually, most people in Cancun think it's strange that I live here at all. They don't understand why I would work for peanuts, fight immigration battles, deal with all the little things that come from living in a "third" world country and face hurricanes. Everyone knows that Canada has a great health care system, education system, clean streets, parks, water you can drink and jobs where you are paid what you are worth, work a decent number of hours and get vacation. Ok, so all those things ARE great, I love Canada and am proud to be Canadian! BUT. I am so much happier here.

The thought of moving back to Canada leaves me with a sick feeling in my stomach and a headache. Just the thought makes me depressed. I wish I could figure out why, it would serve my family so much better if we were to live in Canada. My son would have a lot of advantages, we would have more money and security, my parents are getting older and we could be closer to them, so many things would be better than here yet I don't think it would make me happy.

I think so many things changed for me when I ended up in Mexico that I just picture a return to Canada as a return to the bad things in my life. In the time before I came to Mexico I was clinically depressed, on medication for many years. After 8 months in Mexico I went off the meds and have been free of depression. I was a selfish person, really focused on ME and I hurt a lot of people. In Mexico, I have learned to put everyone else first (to my detriment at times, I am still finding the balance). I feel like a much nicer person. I have a far greater respect for family than I did in Canada. I am at peace with myself, my mistakes, my regrets and the progress I have made as a person. Overall, I AM a better person now than I was four years ago and I tie a lot of that to living here. Would I revert if I went back? Perhaps that is my fear. Don't know, don't have an answer, just sharing some thoughts with you. No plans to go back yet, Mexico is still "home" and I don't want it to change! Perhaps in the future, but certainly not yet. There's a lot of beach days left for me!


Brooke said…
Just started reading this blog today. Without getting too personal, this post just got to me.

This is starting to read like a good book. Can't wait to go on...
CancunCanuck said…
Brooke- Hi and welcome! I had to think hard to remember this post, so long ago. Thanks for the lovely comment, I hope you stick around!

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